Well, I’ve been back in the online dating game now for a few weeks (incurring the pity of several London escorts who don’t have to shell out subscription fees to go on their dates), and am so far under whelmed by the results. And this is putting it politely. In fact, the only thing I’ve got out of it so far is some amusing stories.

My vaguely amusing anecdotes consist almost totally of email content received from admirers who just get it so- wrong. For example, one very posey guy opened with ‘Hi, I thought I’d leave it long enough for you to get all the circus freaks out of the way before making my grand entrance’. His ‘grand entrance’ of rubbishing everyone else on the site under the misapprehension that this would make me like him, needless to say didn’t impress and I took great satisfaction in not replying. A look at his profile confirmed he was so far up his arse he’d probably never seen the light of day.

Another clueless fella emailed, and must be so proud that his opening sentence read ‘ I’m not sure we should get married or anything but it could be good to hang out with you’!!! Well I’m glad he cleared that up from the start. I shouldn’t assume I might be marriage material or anything. If my subscription hadn’t run out I think I would liked to have pointed out his unnecessary rudeness and explained that I already have people that I ‘hang out’ with.

The one guy who got me as far as going for drinks with him was not without his serious flaws. Although he got many things very right – for example he was so keen to speak to me that he brought me a three-day gift subscription so I could return his messages, he travelled to meet me, was fairly gentlemanly in person and did buy the drinks. However, we very nearly didn’t get to this point due to the nature of his emails in the days beforehand. Having discovered that I’m a writer, his emails began to take on a highly pretentious, desperate-to-be-clever tone that seriously made me think twice. It reminded me of boys that show off by doing wheelies on their bikes. What made it so much worse was that he actually said things such as ‘Enough of this wit. I feel I may have raised the bar a tad too much’!

There were several other offences that almost prompted me to cancel our date, but I will cease my ranting for now….

I have to admit I often find myself jealous of busty escorts in London, and ebony escorts in London, who get treated to fabulous dates on a regular basis and have none of these irksome communications to deal with before and after dates. And if the client does turn out to have some kind of serious character flaws, well, there’s always a clear end point to the date. London escorts have it easy, I reckon!

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